Love Is A Battlefield
by The.Golden.Dice
Summary: The year is 1984. You're a poor student living alone in L.A., plagued by your problematic relationships with a false friend and a disturbed ex. You meet Xavier Plympton, an aerobics instructor with a dark past, at the gym where you've taken a reception job. Six years later you discover that while Xavier is dead, he hasn't quite departed. **sexual content/suicide/violence/illness**
1. Chapter 1

_You inadvertently introduce your crush, Xavier, to your frenemy Amy. You are left dejected when they appear to hit it off and plan to go on a date._

* * *

"Well that was awful. I seriously don't understand why you dragged me along. Also, this place is a dump."

Amy has a point. Montana's aerobics class was a waste of time. You barely worked up a sweat while Montana was busy posing in the mirror as usual. Plus, the gym is a little shabby. You glance at Amy, the girl you've known since the age of five, the girl who you moved to L.A. with, the girl who everyone thinks you love like a sister. She'll be pissed if you don't apologise.

"I know it wasn't great. I'm really sorry. I just feel if I work here I should try to be a little more active, you know?"

You are about to suggest grabbing coffee when the words die in your mouth. You really can't face spending more time alone with Amy tonight. Sitting yourself down on one of the beige couches, you reach to re-tie your shoe.

"You've got to be fucking kidding me."

You look up, shooting a startled glance towards your friend.

"What!?" You hiss in her direction.

Blood rushes to your cheeks when you realise what Amy is looking at.

"That's him!?" Amy's laugh sounds sweet, innocent even, but you know that it barely conceals a cruelty that she hides just under her perfect surface. "Oh honey, you'll never get him."

Your eyes follow Xavier as he makes his way to the reception desk. You're not the only one in the room watching him, with his perfect hair and those neon shorts that are ever so slightly too tight. Amy has always been able to tell when you've been interested in someone. She managed to wring it out of you a couple of weeks ago, demanding a description of him. You reluctantly told her, and vowed never to let them meet. You thought he was off work tonight.

Xavier stops briefly at the desk chair you usually frequent when you're on shift, casting around for something he's lost. You smile inwardly despite your panic, noting how predictable he is - forever forgetting where he left his keys. Montana passes him on her way out of the front door and blows him a kiss. He pretends to catch it. You shake your head slightly in an attempt to clear away the knowledge that they used to date. Your eyes find Xavier again while, to your relief, Amy saunters away to peek inside one of the occupied classrooms.

You've been in love with Xavier Plympton since the moment you first set eyes on him. It was a few months ago, during the first week of March, and even though you had no experience working a reception desk, the gym were happy to employ someone who wasn't a complete airhead. Your first shift ended up being a hastily put together induction, followed by a tour from a manager you haven't seen since. Xavier was the only staff member who bothered to ask your name. Your heart had beat a little faster when he looked at you with his striking blue eyes.

What could have gone the way of a stupid crush quickly turned into something quite different. Not only is he just so fucking beautiful, he's also a decent person. Checking to make sure Amy is still occupied, you work up the courage to head over to reception, where Xavier has given up his search and has collapsed into your chair, absentmindedly picking his nails.

"Looking for your keys?"

"You know me."

His smile is so disarming you are momentarily struck dumb.

"Fridge."

You point to the mini fridge that sits under your desk, trying your best to attempt a sexy smile. Not that lost keys are sexy. To be honest, you're the furthest thing from an expert in those matters. You cringe inside. Amy is always quick to tell you that you couldn't seem like more of a virgin if you tried, even though you're not one. Your mind takes you, against your will, to that one awful time with Scott in the back of his car...

"You okay?"

Xavier is looking at you expectantly. You shouldn't have let your thoughts get away from you. You probably look like an idiot.

"Uh, yeah. I'm fine."

You are about to say a reluctant goodbye when you feel arms wrap around your waist from behind.

"Ready to go nerd?"

Your heart sinks as Xavier's gaze shifts from you to Amy. You'd hoped to keep her away from him. Guys just find her irresistible. According to your brother, who thinks himself worldly because he traveled Europe after high school, it's because she comes off as sexually empowered. Whatever that means. You suspect it's because of her long blonde hair and enviable cup size. Even the harsh gym lighting, which seems to wash out everyone else, makes her look vibrant.

Amy removes her arms and you turn, eager to leave. Before you can move away from the desk however, Amy strikes.

"And who is this? Weren't you going to introduce me to your friend, Y/n?"

She holds out her hand to Xavier. It's a ridiculous gesture for a girl in her early twenties, but somehow it suits her. Xavier shakes Amy's hand, smiling. You feel as though you're invisible.

"Xavier Plympton. Hey, haven't I seen you in my Slimmercise class?" Xavier cocks his head to one side, squinting slightly. "I'm sure I've met you before."

Amy smiles at Xavier as though he's her first scheduled meal after a period of starvation. You notice that sometime during the five minutes she left you alone, she applied shiny red lipgloss. You feel a little nauseous.

"I've never taken that class, but I've always wanted to. I love it here. How about I come along the next time you're teaching? Maybe we can go for a drink after?"

Your heart sinks even further when you hear Xavier say,

"Sure."


	2. Chapter 2

_You discover that Xavier likes you, but your first date is a mess. You end up back at his place and things get intimate. Before you can really release your inhibitions, memories of your troubled ex boyfriend leave you feeling closed off and vulnerable. To your relief, Xavier is understanding._

* * *

As much as you try to fight it, all you are able to feel is a dull, ever-present dread that you can't seem to squash down. You spent the majority of last night trying not to picture Amy with Xavier. An image of her sinking her long, predator's nails into the perfect white skin of his back during sex kept returning to you. In your vision, Amy's scratches drew blood from Xavier and she lapped it up like a vampire while he laughed. All the while she was staring into your eyes.

You swallow thickly and attempt to focus on a sheaf of papers in front of you. The top sheet is covered with lists of names, people you have to call offering discounted gym memberships. You have no idea where the hell the gym got these people's phone numbers, in fact you don't really want to know. If you get the calls over with quickly, you have permission to leave early. You don't want to be here when Xavier starts his shift. You've heard nothing from Amy all day, which usually means she's spent the night with some guy and returned to her apartment to sleep off her hangover. You are terrified that this time, that guy will turn out to be the one person you have feelings for.

You no longer live with Amy. After your joke of a relationship with Scott, you decided to live alone. Part of why it went so badly wrong with him was interference from your so-called best friend. You never told anyone, but you suspect she at least tried to sleep with him. Knowing Scott as you do now, she was probably successful. Any future relationships you have, you want to keep separate from your warped friendship with her. You take a deep breath, grab a Diet Coke from the mini fridge and attempt to push Amy and Xavier to the back of your mind. You have work to do.

* * *

You feel a tingle creep down your spine like a spider, as the fine hairs on the back of your neck rise underneath someone's gaze. You've been on the phone for an hour, and you only sold one membership. Honestly, if it weren't for Xavier you would have quit this job months ago. You swivel round to see who is looking at you and are met with the slightly slanted eyes and thick dark lashes that have a habit of haunting your daydreams.

Fuck. Seriously?

You'd make a pretty awful stalker, you can't even memorise Xavier's shifts properly. You could have sworn he was supposed to start later.

"Hey, what's up?"

Your attempt to come across as bubbly is obviously successful. You are rewarded with that very specific smile that makes your heart flutter. Why does he have to be so fucking cute?

"Nothing." Xavier shrugs. He walks around the side of your desk and grabs a red apple from the bowl of free fruit that is perpetually ignored by the gym members. "You?" He begins to toss the apple into the air, catching it absentmindedly.

"Nothing too."

Ugh, stupid.

You urge your brain to get it's shit together. Before you can stop yourself, you're asking the question you really don't want to be asking. "So, how was the date?" You hope you managed to sound normal.

Xavier stops tossing his apple and quirks an eyebrow at you, considering.

"Do you ever feel like this town is full of clones? Like, I feel I just keep dating the same girl over and over."

Xavier's gaze flickers imperceptibly towards Montana, who is sprawled out reading a magazine on one of the reception couches. You feel a tiny thrill of excitement. It sounds like the date may not have gone so well.

"Don't get me wrong, Amy's nice, but..." Xavier pauses. You wait as if on tenterhooks for his next words to come. "I told her we should stay friends. She's just not what I'm looking for these days."

"Huh. That's a shame." You say, attempting to keep your happiness under control. You didn't see that one coming. Your elation is so strong that Xavier's next words hit you like a truck.

"She said you might be disappointed. You and your boyfriend have been looking for a couple to double date with, right?"

What. The. Fuck.

Your stomach lurches when you realise what Amy has done. Before you can respond, Xavier continues on.

"It's actually too bad. I had no idea you're with someone. I'd been thinking of asking you out the past few weeks. I obviously got that one totally wrong, huh?"

Xavier tries to conceal his sudden embarrassment by throwing his apple at you. He winks when you catch it, then wanders away.

Shit. You have to fix this. Xavier has to know you're single. He was going to ask you out! Despite your alarm, you feel a tiny spark of hope flutter within your chest. He left to take a class, you realise. That means you have to wait an hour, then you can speak to him. You busy yourself tidying up magazines and getting rid of empty coffee cups. You try to make small talk with Montana, but she seems preoccupied. It's no skin off your nose, you've always found her sort of distant.

Finally Xavier's class ends. People file out of the classroom, laughing and chatting, buzzed on endorphins. You watch Xavier head to the showers. If you were a different sort of girl, you might follow him in. The thought of approaching him all naked and wet sends a spark of energy coursing through your veins. The feeling consolidates in the spot between your legs that you've taken to exploring so regularly lately.

But you're not that girl. You may not be the virgin people allegedly think you are, but that doesn't mean you're not shy. Brushing off your arousal, you return to the reception desk, planning to look busy until Xavier returns. One of the gym regulars is waiting there for you. Mrs Adams is a sweet, spirited older lady with an unshakeable passion for bright pink lipstick who likes to stop for a chat after senior's aerobics. Usually she's a welcome reprieve from your boring reception duties. Right know you seriously wish she'd go straight home.

"Y/n! Hello! How are you my dear?" She barrels on before you get a chance to reply, as is her wont. "I have to say, I'm not impressed with the standard of the class today. I could have done better if I had taken it myself!"

You start to speak, but notice Xavier out of the corner of your eye. Why does he always have to take such quick showers!? He stops to chat with a couple of instructors. You quickly tell the old lady in front of you the first lie you can think of.

"Mrs Adams, I'm so sorry but I can't talk right now. I have to clean the showers." You pull a face to illustrate your annoyance.

"But why? That's what the cleaners are for dear."

"They're all sick! Some kind of stomach flu." You shake your head in mock sympathy. "You should really get on home, it might be contagious."

"My goodness, well you take care dear. See you next week."

You wave at Mrs Adams until she's out the front door. Luckily Xavier is still standing just across the room, clearly involved in an enthralling conversation. He flashes his perfect teeth as he laughs at something you can't quite hear.

It's now or never.

You fight the sense of panic that's attempting to claw its way up your throat and urge yourself to calm down. This is no big deal. You're just telling him Amy is mistaken, it's not like you're asking him out. And he probably won't ask you.

You step towards the cluster of laughing people, attempting to catch Xavier's eye. When his gaze lands on you, you clear your throat.

"Hey, can I talk to you for a sec?" You gesture behind you, in the general area of your desk. "Um, privately?"

Thankfully Xavier's friends have the good grace to ignore the fact that you're clearly nervous, although you do notice one of the guys, Chet, rolling his eyes. You don't have time to consider what that might be about. Xavier is breaking away from his group and moving towards you. You turn on your heel and walk towards your desk, ever conscious that Xavier is following you. When you feel you've reached a safe distance from prying eyes and ears, you face him again.

"Everything okay?" He looks slightly worried, you realise.

"Yeah, of course. I just... uh, I wanted to clear something up."

Xavier waits silently, expectantly, for you to continue.

"What you said about the double date thing. I don't know what Amy told you but, I'm not with anybody. I had a boyfriend, Scott. We broke up around Valentine's Day. He was... well, that doesn't matter. Anyway, I'm single. So... I thought I should let you know."

Jesus. You barely got that out. You hope it didn't sound ridiculous.

Xavier is watching you. You shift slightly from one foot to the other under his gaze, waiting for him to say something, anything. A smile spreads slowly across his face.

"I'm glad you told me. Really glad."

His eyes flit from your face to the floor and back again. You have to wonder if he's nervous. He catches his bottom lip between his teeth and you feel like your heart might explode. He wets his lips before continuing.

"So, would you maybe want to hang out sometime. With me that is?"

Yeah he's definitely nervous. It's actually cute, and realising it makes you feel a little bolder.

"Yeah, I would."

* * *

You watch as cars speed by outside the window of the restaurant you're sitting in. Xavier sits opposite you, avoiding eye contact. This is possibly the worst date you've ever been on. It's almost as if Xavier doesn't know how to function when he's not in his normal environment, surrounded by the usual people. You never realised before how clumsy he can be. You glance at the ice-cream stain on the tablecloth and wince slightly. This is not how your first date with him was supposed to go. Him spilling food everywhere was nowhere near as bad as the prolonged silences. It suddenly dawns on you the extent to which you'd built tonight up in your head. You wanted it to be perfect. Maybe you've put too much pressure on the situation. You lean towards Xavier slightly, not caring that the table between you is sticky. He's looking at his hands, probably wishing he was somewhere else. You place a hand on his arm.

"This has been kind of awkward, huh?"

Relief floods Xavier's face. He laughs, looking a little flustered.

"I honestly don't know what's happening. I'm usually great on dates!"

You raise your eyebrows at him against your will. You do not want to be thinking about him with other girls right now. He realises his mistake and rushes to clarify, holding up his free hand.

"That didn't come out right. What I meant is, I don't usually feel this... shy." Xavier looks as though he's struggling with something. "Fuck it, I'm just gonna say it. I really like you. I've liked you for a while, if I'm being honest."

You feel like your heart flips over. Xavier is looking at you, earnestly awaiting your response.

"I feel the same."

You are rewarded with a smile that you will remember for the rest of your life. Xavier's eyes look a little misty when he speaks again.

"Do you want to get out of here? We could go to my place?"

Your heart is hammering in your chest. Maybe you should say no, but you want so badly to say yes. You nod, and Xavier grasps your hand excitedly, saying,

"Let me get the bill."

* * *

Xavier is kissing you. Your excitement is like a live thing within your body, threatening to consume you. You can't quite believe this is happening. Your nostrils are filled with the scent of him. He smells like sweat, cologne, and hairspray. It's delicious. He offered you a drink when you got to his apartment. You don't even know what it was, but it was strong. You can hear your pulse inside your ears.

The room is dark. There is music playing, but the words wash over you, making no sense. Xavier leads you to his bed. You sit down together in unison. Your hands explore the muscles of his chest as his fingers twist into your hair. You have the urge to brush your thumb over the soft cotton that covers one of his nipples. You squeeze it slightly and he pushes his tongue into your mouth. You massage your tongue against his, and he lets out a soft, sweet moan.

You feel the pressure of Xavier's body as he begins to lie down, pulling you with him. You happily oblige. You hear, rather than feel, when he unzips your skirt. When his hand brushes against your sensitive, intimate skin through the fabric of your underwear, you feel a throb in your clit. An image of Amy explaining female anatomy to you comes unbidden into your mind. You push it away, kissing Xavier harder. You wrap your arms around his neck as he nudges his hand under the waistband of your underwear, finding you slippery to the touch.

Xavier breaks the kiss to take a breath, and a gasp escapes your lips as he pushes a finger inside you. You can sense his eyes on you as he withdraws his hand, just long enough to add a second finger. The feeling of being stretched overwhelms you. You shudder slightly and release a sound that can only be described as animalistic.

"Oh fuck." Xavier gasps. "You're so hot Y/n."

He leans in to kiss your neck as he simultaneously pleasures you. You reach your hand down to rub against his solid hardness. You can feel the shape of it as it strains to be free.

"You should get undressed." You sigh.

Xavier looks as though he'd like nothing better than to do exactly what you've told him to, however he holds back.

"I want this to be about you Y/n."

This is new to you. With Scott, you were lucky if he touched you without him getting something from you first. You shake your head slightly, trying to put Scott out of your mind, but the damage has been done. You feel yourself clam up. Xavier notices. He stops his ministrations, removing his fingers from inside you.

"What's wrong Y/n? You've gone all tense." His voice is full of concern. You can't see his face, but you know he's still watching you.

"I'm so sorry." You suddenly feel incredibly vulnerable, and attempt to zip yourself up. "I think we should stop. It's just so fast." You await Xavier's anger. Any minute it will come. What he says next takes you aback.

"It's okay. It's totally okay. We don't have to do anything you don't want to." His voice is soft, reassuring. "Let me get cleaned up, I'll be two minutes."

You hear Xavier leave. You sit up and comb your fingers through your hair in an attempt to relax. You take deep breaths, trying to calm your jumping pulse. Xavier returns, turning on a lamp by the doorway. Soft light floods the room. He smiles at you and comes to sit at the foot of the bed. You can't help but notice that he's keeping his distance.

"I'm sorry." You mumble, close to tears. "Please don't think you did anything wrong. This is my fault. I'm a freak."

Before you can say anything else, Xavier climbs up the bed towards you and crushes you against him.

"Shhh. You're not a freak. Jesus, I know what it's like to be forced into something you don't want to do. You were right to ask me to stop if you felt uncomfortable."

A few stray tears spill from your eyes as Xavier rocks you in his arms, touching gentle kisses to your head. You briefly wonder what he was referring to, when he spoke about doing something he didn't want to do. You make a mental note to ask him about it later, but for now you are content to sit with him in silence.


	3. Chapter 3

_Your ex, Scott, finds out that you are spending time with Xavier and retaliates by subjecting you to more than one aggressive outburst. Scott attempts to hurt you even further by revealing a secret from Xavier's private life._

* * *

You're trying to study. Really, you are. You're not thinking about Xavier. Nope.

Who are you kidding?

Your stomach does a backflip when you remember what it felt like to be touched by him. He was gentle. Tentative. Until Xavier, you hadn't gotten to experience how good it could feel to have someone touch you in a way that actually felt intimate. It's still a marvel to you that his only care was your pleasure. You wonder if, had you not gotten distracted, you might have been able to come. You've only ever had an orgasm by yourself. Would it be different with another person?

You let your mind explore the possibilities. Studying can wait, it's not like you have any pressing deadlines. You are about to slip your fingers under the waistband of your sweatpants when the phone starts to ring from the tiny kitchen of your apartment. You quickly move your textbook and notepad aside and, throwing off your blanket, you dash to the phone. You hope to hear Xavier's voice on the other end. All you feel is distaste when Amy's short, sharp greeting reaches you. She usually only calls you if she's bored. You zone out, wrapping the phone cord around your finger as she describes some new hot guy she's set her sights on.

"So, did Xavier say anything about me?"

You snap back to reality. Amy doesn't know you went on a date with him.

"Uh, no. He didn't say anything. Well actually that's not true, he said he wants you guys to stay friends! That's good, right?"

Amy is silent for what feels like an eternity.

"No, it's not good. I wanted to fuck his brains out, not be friends." Her voice is harsh. "Why are you all nervous?"

You let out a small laugh. You know you sound flustered.

"I'm not!"

"You fucking are. Tell me what's going on."

You can't lie to Amy. You hate to admit it to yourself, but you're scared of her. Your mind flashes back to the night of your high school prom. Amy had offered to apply your makeup. Half way through dusting your cheeks with blush, her hand slipped. Her quick, pointed nails left three glaring red scratches on your left cheek. Her eyes flashed with malice as she apologised profusely. You allowed yourself to go along with the narrative she spouted, that it was an accident. Deep down you've always known the truth.

"Amy I... I went out with him. I'm sorry." Your voice carries a hint of desperation. "You know how long I've liked him."

Again, Amy lets the silence drag on and on. You know she's still there. You hear her breathing.

"You stupid bitch."

You wince as you hear Amy slam the phone down. There's no point trying to call her back. Part of you feels relieved that she knows the truth.

* * *

You know you're dreaming. You're aware of your mind trying to wake itself up. You hear a loud banging. As you come to, you realise there's someone at your front door. You hear Scott's voice shouting your name. It's muffled, but you can tell he's drunk. And angry. You stay in bed, resisting the urge to turn on the light. If he knows you're awake he won't go away. With any luck, if you pretend to be sleeping he'll eventually leave. You've never been more glad that he doesn't have a key.

Finally the barrage of swearing ceases. Everything outside goes quiet. You pull your blankets tighter around yourself.

Amy must have told Scott about Xavier.

You have to try to sleep, you have a full day of classes tomorrow, and work at the gym in the evening. The thought of seeing Xavier calms your frayed nerves. Finally, you drift off.

* * *

You're on the most boring phone call of your life. For some reason the customer you're speaking to has decided it should be you who has to listen to their every complaint about the gym. Xavier struts through the front door. Your heart beats faster at the sight of him, sending tingles to your extremities. He hasn't noticed you yet. Before you get the chance to catch his eye, Montana launches up from a couch and puts herself directly in his path. You can't hear what they're saying, besides, you have a customer talking in your ear. You try not to stare as Montana rubs Xavier's arm. You remind yourself that they must have stopped dating for a reason.

Xavier smiles at Montana and moves to walk around her. He scans the reception desk, his eyes coming to rest on yours. His face lights up as he grins at you. You gesture at the phone you are cradling against your ear and roll your eyes. Xavier's face is a picture of silent laughter.

"Later." He mouths, before heading towards the locker room.

You feel warm and fuzzy, barely registering the fact that the customer on the end of the phone has asked to speak to your manager.

It's been a slow night. You don't get breaks on this job, but for fifteen minutes every shift you're allowed to turn the phone to silent. You proceed to do so, and head over to the empty couches to mentally remove yourself from work. You don't realise Xavier has come up behind you until you hear his soft voice in your ear.

"Hey."

You twist round you see him crouching right behind you, his face inches from yours. You decide to be brave, and reach up to place a quick kiss on his lips. It takes him by surprise, but he seems pleased. At this distance you get to see his eyes close up. They are hypnotic, the colour of a deep, icy sea. His lashes brush against slightly reddened cheeks. Xavier is about to say something when a movement at the front door catches your eye. Reluctantly you break eye contact and look across.

"Oh my God." You breathe. A cold dread sluices through you. Scott is here.

Xavier frowns at your alarm. He stands, turning towards the door. Scott is just inside the threshold, breathing heavily. He's drunk again. You can tell by the way he sways slightly. His roommate Alex hovers just behind him. You watch as Alex looks Xavier up and down. Something like recognition registers on Alex's face. You don't have time to focus on that. Scott begins to charge forward. You stand abruptly.

"Scott what the hell?" You realise too late that you've shouted. It makes Scott stop short.

"You know this guy Y/n?" Xavier asks you without turning around. He's backed up against the couch as far as he can, attempting to act as a barrier between you and Scott.

"He's my ex."

At your words, Scott begins to laugh. The look on his face is almost manic. He bares his teeth at you.

"Had to see your new guy Y/n. What's he got that I don't, huh?"

Alex comes up beside Scott, grabbing his arm. His dark eyes flash between Scott and you. He looks like he wants to say something but thinks better of it. Instead he mumbles into Scott's ear. At that moment you notice several of the gym instructors moving as one towards the front of the gym. Xavier's friends Chet and Ray stop beside the couches, facing down Scott and Alex. You see Scott glance at Chet. He pales visibly. Scott is well built, but he couldn't take Chet and he clearly knows it.

"It's time to go man." You hear Alex say. He's pulling on Scott's arm.

Scott's bloodshot eyes rest on you for a second before he turns to leave, kicking the doorframe violently on his way out.

Xavier turns back to you as the group of instructors disperses, leaving you alone with him and Chet.

"Are you okay?" Xavier's voice is full of concern, but you can't help feeling worried. Surely he won't want to be involved with you now, knowing you have a psycho ex.

"Yeah I'm fine. I'm sorry. He comes to my door drunk sometimes but I never imagined he'd turn up here."

Chet, who has been listening in, pipes up,

"You dated that guy, for real?"

He looks so incredulous that a laugh escapes you, breaking the tension. Before you know it Xavier and Chet are laughing along with you. You suspect the sudden hilarity may be down to shock. You fight to regain your composure.

"Seriously though, if he does something like this again, call the police." Chet smiles at you and walks away, leaving you alone with Xavier.

"I can't believe him. I just want it to stop." You mumble. Somehow, some way, Scott always manages to destroy your happiness. Xavier surprises you by grasping your hand.

"Don't worry Y/n. You're safe here with us. Chet's right though. If he turns up at your place call the police." Xavier hesitates slightly before continuing on. "Not that I mind but, why did you tell him about me?"

"I didn't." You sigh, looking at the ground. "It must have been Amy. She got it out of me. I know it seems like we're close but... our friendship is complicated."

"Actually, I think she's jealous of you." Xavier's frank tone surprises you. When your eyes meet his he gives a slight shrug. "I don't just mean because of me. She just strikes me as that sort of person."

"What sort of person?" You ask, not quite taking his meaning.

"The sort of person who hangs around someone good, trying to bring them down all the time so they can feel superior."

"Wow. You got that from one date with her?"

Xavier smiles.

"I'm a good judge of character."

He pulls you to him, enclosing you in his arms. He places a finger under your chin, drawing your lips up to meet his. You close your eyes, savouring the kiss.

After a minute or two you reluctantly break free.

"I should get back to work. My non-existent break ended like, ten minutes ago."

You are getting ready for bed when the phone starts to ring. It's unusual to get a call at this time, but you can't ignore it. In the back of your mind you always fear that a phone call late at night will be some kind of bad news from back home. Never mind the fact that your mom hardly ever bothers to call you. You slide your feet into your slippers and run to the kitchen.

"Hello?"

You hear heavy breathing on the other end of the phone. Loud music plays in the background. The chorus of Thriller filters down the line.

"You always liked this song."

You feel sick.

"Scott please leave me alone." Your voice sounds desperate, even to your own ears.

"I can't. At least not until I've told you a secret."

"What secret? Scott what the hell are you talking about?"

Scott laughs giddily. He sounds like he's been drinking continuously since you saw him earlier. His voice takes on a mock theatrical whisper.

"Your new boyfriend is gay."

* * *

_So just to make it clear, I know in 2020, as a female, dating someone who has been with males (or any other gender) is not an issue. In 1984 however, bisexuality and homosexuality were not appreciated the way they are today, so finding out someone you like was potentially not straight may have actually been a barrier to the relationship. I'm trying to be authentic to the time period but I don't for a second believe it should be an issue. Also Scott is just a dick._


	4. Chapter 4

_Your recent knowledge of Xavier's porn career leaves you feeling intimidated. Xavier is able to reassure you, however, and you are powerless to resist his charms. Scott deals you another blow, threatening to destroy Xavier's reputation and your budding romance all at once._

* * *

You watch Xavier as he chats with Montana. He flashes his teeth at her and reaches out to touch her arm. Certain things he does, certain movements he makes, could be taken as flirtatious. And yet, you've seen him behave similarly with Chet, or Ray, or any number of other people. Recently he flirts with you. Thinking about other things he has done with you lately, you find it difficult to believe he's gay. If anything, he likes both guys and girls. Right now you only care if he likes you. Despite that, you have to admit that the thought of Xavier's porn career is posing a problem for you.

You made Scott explain himself over the phone after he let you in on the so-called secret. Alex, Scott's roommate, has been out for a number of years. If Alex is to be believed, Xavier has starred in gay porn. The instant Scott's words reached you, you remembered the look on Alex's face when he saw Xavier. It was recognition. Scott seemed to take delight in your silence, but he misunderstood what it was that had stopped you short.

The vision of Xavier having kinky sex with Amy, the vision that haunted you the night of their date, had come back to you, forcing its way into your psyche unbidden and unwanted. You cringed inside at the knowledge that your very limited sexual experience would appear pitiful to someone who had starred in porn. Xavier would surely laugh at your lack of prowess, having had a vast range of wild sexual experiences.

You had hung up on Scott while he was still laughing cruelly at you.

You try to concentrate on work, but Xavier takes up your every thought. When he inevitably speaks to you, you don't quite know what you will say to him. Maybe if you focus on your inconceivably boring stock checks, you will look so busy that he will leave you alone so you can put off telling him what you know.

No such luck.

"Hey Y/n."

You glance up. Xavier is leaning across your desk, facing you as if his whole body is eager to touch you. He looks particularly cute right now, with his little backpack over one shoulder. Seriously, nobody else in here could pull that thing off. You have to smile despite the worry that lurks in the pit of your stomach.

"Hey, you." You attempt a smile. Xavier appears so pleased at your affectionate greeting, you feel a pang of guilt knowing you're about to ruin everything. "Do you have a minute? I was kinda hoping we could chat. Maybe somewhere private though?"

Concern creases Xavier's brow. You know your tone was less than cheerful.

"Okay, uh, my car?"

"Sure." You nod.

Screw work, this is important.

* * *

Xavier's eyes are on you, you can feel it. You're sitting alongside him in the front of his car. Silence fills the space between you. The intoxicating smell of his cologne is so intense in here, you're finding it hard to concentrate.

"So I uh, I thought we should talk because I... I got a call from Scott last night and he told me about... the porn." You look up in time to see Xavier's eyes widen. His face is pale. He takes a shuddering breath as you plough on. "I want you to know, your sexuality is not an issue to me. I grew up in a very liberal environment and—"

"I'm not gay." Xavier cuts you off. "How the hell does Scott know, I don't tell anyone? My acting career would be over if it got out."

Xavier is blunt. You have to wonder if he is angry with you. You can think of nothing worse.

"Alex, Scott's roommate. The guy he came here with. He's seen it."

You watch Xavier's face as he processes the information. His eyes close and stay that way for what feels like an hour. When he opens them, his expression is hard.

"I'm tied into a... contract, of sorts. I'm trying to get out of it, but it's proving difficult."

"So you're not doing it through choice?" You frown. "How is that fair? What kind of contract is it?"

"Let's just say I made a deal with the devil." Xavier lets out a hollow, humourless laugh. "I need to smoke, I'll go outside."

Before you can say another word, Xavier exits the car. You sit still, trying to figure out if he's pissed at you. Surely he can't be, you're just the messenger? Before you have any more time to question the situation Xavier gets back in beside you, bringing a cloud of smoke in with him. He begins talking almost immediately.

"I want you to know, I'm always careful."

"Huh?" You look at him blankly, not understanding at all. Xavier shrugs slightly. He looks a little embarrassed.

"I always use condoms, I get checked out regularly. I'm totally healthy."

You feel your face colour. This is the hard part. The part you didn't want to face. Xavier's exciting and varied sex life. Although you have to admit, it doesn't sound all that great now that you know the details.

"Thanks. For telling me."

"Sure, I mean if we're gonna date, you should know. That is if you still want to?"

You can tell that Xavier is trying to appear nonchalant, but it's not working. The concern he feels is written all over his face. It suddenly occurs to you that you may not be the first person to find out about his secret.

"Is this why you and Montana broke up?"

You realise that you haven't answered Xavier's question yet, but it suddenly feels imperative that you know what happened to end his previous relationship. Xavier takes his time answering.

"Regardless of the porn, Montana and I are not good for each other. She has this way of bringing out the worst in me. I think I do the same to her. She's one of my best friends, but... I don't see a future with her." Xavier looks away, avoiding eye contact with you for a second before bringing his gaze back to settle on you. "I want to be with someone who makes me feel good, and whole, and happy."

Xavier reaches his hand towards you and tucks a strand of your loose hair behind your ear. It's such an intimate gesture that your breath hitches, your heart beating faster. You can tell that he wants to kiss you.

"Xavier, there's something that's actually been worrying me."

He pulls back slightly, waiting. You take a deep breath.

"This is hard for me to admit, although I don't know why. It shouldn't be but..." You shake your head, trying to stop yourself from getting off track. "I'm not very... experienced, with sex stuff. Knowing that you are, it makes me feel... intimidated. I'm sorry."

You force yourself to watch Xavier's face. He doesn't look angry, much to your relief. If anything he seems slightly confused.

"But, it's all fake Y/n. Seriously, not a single bit of it is real. There's no emotion, no connection. I fucking hate it!"

Xavier's voice breaks. You pull him to you, dreading the thought that you might have inadvertently made him cry. Your heart breaks for him.

"I can't believe you're stuck in this situation. There must be something you can do?"

"No," Xavier mumbles into your shoulder. "There's nothing. All I can do is run. I'm leaving for the summer, I got a job at a camp. I was planning to tell you tonight." Xavier draws back to look at you. "I wanted to ask you to come with me but, I understand if this porn thing is too much."

You look at Xavier's face. His beautiful features are marred by sadness. In this moment you'd do anything to make him happy. You know you can overcome your shyness after realising there's nothing to be intimidated by. If anything, Xavier's situation is to be pitied. You squeeze his hand.

"It's not too much. I understand everything. I was unsure before but now I'm not."

Xavier leans in to kiss you. You push your tongue past his lips hungrily, taking possession of his mouth. The emotional roller coaster you've been riding for the past twenty minutes has left you overwrought. You cling to Xavier, using his kiss to numb the ache inside you with complete disregard for propriety. He breaks away, panting.

"We can't do this here. Come home with me tonight?"

You nod eagerly, separating yourself from him in order to calm down before heading back inside.

* * *

Xavier lifts your shirt up and over your head in a swift, unbroken movement, throwing it to the floor of his lamplit bedroom. He's already topless. You can't help but notice that his muscles seem too perfect, as if they are carved from marble. You inhale sharply as your nipples rise to greet the cool air. You feel gooseflesh spread across your shoulders and back. The sensation elicits a small shiver from you. Xavier's beautiful, full lips curve upwards in a slight smile as his eyes rake over the sight of your naked torso. You feel nervous at his unabashed approval. Glancing down shyly, you can't help but notice the size of the erection straining against his shorts. The desire to touch him overwhelms you and you reach to softly brush the tips of your fingers along the length of his cock.

In response, Xavier bends his head and takes the lobe of your ear between his front teeth, biting down ever so slightly. You shiver again as a creeping sensation travels down your spine. Xavier moves to kiss your neck, licking and sucking just hard enough to be pleasurable but leaving no mark.

Your fingers make their way to the waistband of Xavier's shorts and pull down, allowing his cock to spring forth. His heady, potent scent reaches your nostrils, sending a thrill through you. You allow yourself a second to regain composure before gently taking him in your hand. His skin feels like velvet as you begin to rub him. He moans into your neck, his fingers sliding through your hair. His other hand is occupied, cupping and massaging your breasts.

Xavier detaches his mouth from your neck in order to lick his thumb. He focuses his attention on one of your nipples, tracing wet circles around it. When he squeezes it between thumb and forefinger, a pinprick of sensation travels right down to your clit, where you feel the tiny jump of a pulse. You know you must be getting damp. You begin to feel ashamed, but you shut down the feeling. You remind yourself it's not shameful for your body to respond this way. You are going to let yourself enjoy this.

Xavier grasps the nape of your neck and lifts your head to meet his. You respond open-mouthed, happy to welcome his tongue with your own. You taste the slightest hint of whatever he's been smoking. Kissing him like this feels electric. You wonder what it would feel like if his tongue touched your pussy. You've never had anyone do that to you before. Scott wanted to, but you were always too shy. You decide that if Xavier asks to do it, you'll agree. You feel safer and more comfortable with him than you ever have with anyone else.

Xavier breaks the kiss, panting heavily. You're still stroking him.

"Should I lie down?"

Your voice is roughened by arousal. Xavier nods and you quiver with excitement, backing up until you feel the bed behind you. Xavier hovers over you as you lie back onto the pillows. His cock presses hard against you as he leans down to suck at your neck once again. He grasps your skirt, halting any other action until it's completely removed. He wastes no time in also helping you relieve yourself of your underwear. Instinctively, your hand flies to cover your intimate area. Xavier watches you. His eyes come up to meet yours. They are full of hazy lust, but he's not lost himself entirely yet.

"Will you let me watch you touch yourself?"

He sounds almost reverent. It's as if watching you masturbate will be a religious experience for him. You can't find your voice to respond, so you nod instead. You proceed to open yourself up, dipping your forefinger inside slightly to wet it before circling your clit. Xavier sits right beside you, his chest rising and falling faster than normal. You feel close already and can't help the soft moan that escapes your lips. Xavier's eyes roll back, closing and opening again to fix on yours.

"Fuck, I want to taste you."

You nod as you spread your thighs, releasing quick, shaky breaths. Your stomach muscles clench involuntarily as Xavier positions himself between your legs. His tongue on you feels exquisite. He knows exactly what to do, circling your clit, lapping at your juices. When he repeatedly licks the entire length of you like ice cream on a cone, you know it won't be long until you come. The sensation builds inside you, exploding aggressively when Xavier works in a finger, tickling the places you've never been able to reach. You can't help but run a hand through his hair. It's not as stiff as you expected it to be. You grasp it lightly as your orgasm begins to disperse, sending warm sensations all around your body.

You release your hold on Xavier's hair. He is placing small, delicate kisses onto the inside of your thighs. You don't think you've ever seen him look happier. You stroke his face, bringing it gently up towards you. You look deep into his eyes.

"I want you, Xavier."

His breath hitches slightly.

"You're sure?" It's almost a whisper.

"Yes, I'm sure."

You smile at him in a way that you hope is reassuring.

"I'll be right back."

You sit up slightly and watch as Xavier grabs a condom from inside a set of drawers across the room. This sort of thing used to embarrass you, but now it feels completely natural. His back is to you as he puts it on. Your eye is drawn to the curve of his ass. His skin looks golden in the lamplight. You imagine sinking your teeth into that perfect, peachy roundness. Blood rushes to your cheeks. These are not normal thoughts for you to be having. Xavier turns, bringing your attention back to his face. He looks at you intently as he climbs back onto the bed, settling between your legs. He crashes his lips against yours. You moan into his mouth, anticipation building. You can't wait to feel him inside you.

Xavier stops kissing you, concentrating on wetting his cock, brushing it up and down your pussy. You still feel sensitive, little bursts of sensation streaking through you each time you feel pressure on your clit. Xavier brings himself to your entrance, slowly pushing inside. You relish the fact that there is no resistance as he fills you up. You squeeze slightly with your inner muscles, eliciting a delighted smile from him.

Xavier kisses you again with relish as he begins to thrust, establishing a steady, controlled pace. You surprise yourself by digging your heels into his back, wanting to feel him even deeper inside you. As if he can hear your thoughts, Xavier leans back, grabbing one of your legs and placing it on his shoulder. This new angle allows Xavier to hit your inner walls in a way you've never experienced before. You groan loudly at the sheer intensity of what you are feeling.

"Fuck, if you keep making noises like that I'm gonna come." Xavier manages.

He's breathing heavily now, beads of sweat appearing on his brow. His hair no longer looks perfect. His mouth finds yours again, his kisses messy. You feel him quicken his pace as he lets your leg back down. You wrap your arms around him, pulling him in as deep as possible. He does nothing to temper the volume of his groan as his climax consumes him, collapsing onto you as gently as possible. You feel a tiny hint of regret, knowing that the condom stopped him from spilling inside you.

Xavier stays perfectly still for a minute before rolling off to one side. You feel the loss of him inside you instantly. He breathes deeply as you kiss his forehead, tasting his salty sweat. He strokes your cheek in response, smiling blissfully. His eyes, the colour of an icy blue sea, are only slightly clouded with pleasure.

"You're amazing." It's a whisper, but you hear it loud and clear.

"I didn't do anything." You breathe.

Xavier shakes his head infinitesimally. His earring catches your eye for the briefest second as it flashes in the lamplight.

"It's not about what you did," Xavier replies. "It's about who you are."

You wrap yourself up in the soft, warm blankets as he goes to clean himself off. You feel ecstatic, too languid to make the effort to get clean yourself. When Xavier returns he switches off the lamp and climbs into bed behind you, pulling you close against him and nuzzling his face into the back of your neck. This is the way you both fall asleep.

* * *

You feel like you're floating rather than walking as you make your way around your apartment tidying things away. You absentmindedly plan out the rest of your day in your head but it's easy to become distracted. Last night couldn't have been more perfect. You blush, remembering. You've never felt this way before.

You are about to head into the kitchen to make yourself something to eat when you hear a brisk knock at the front door. At night you don't answer, but during the day you see no reason to be afraid, besides, on the off chance it is Scott, his plan has failed. He can't hurt you now.

Or so you think.

You open the door to the smug face of your ex. Before you can stop him, he charges into your apartment.

"Get out!" You shout, not caring who can hear you, you want Scott as far away from you as possible. "I'm calling the police if you don't leave, now."

Scott lifts up his hands, his smirk is infuriating.

"Calm down Y/n, I'm not staying. Something occurred to me last night, so I'm here to share it with you. Then I'll go."

"What is it?" You decide to bite, hoping that if you play along Scott will leave.

"Well, I realised that I really miss you Y/n. I don't want to see you with anyone else. I want you back." Scott's voice takes on a mocking tone. "I'm going to make you deal. You agree to come back to me, and I won't tell everyone Xavier's little secret."

You stare at Scott, horrified. What the hell has happened to him that he would resort to such a disgusting threat? You know deep down that he would happily destroy Xavier, and it terrifies you. You struggle to respond. Scott doesn't wait for an answer.

"Tell him the two of you are over Y/n, or his life as he knows it will be."

You stare at the door after Scott has slammed it shut behind him. Tears roll down your cheeks unchecked. A chill runs through you at the knowledge that you are entirely trapped.

* * *

_"Xavier, it's me. I'm so sorry I'm leaving a message and not speaking to you in person, but I have to leave town urgently. I got bad news from back home. I won't... I won't make it to Redwood. At least I don't think I will. Anyway, I wish I could have seen you to tell you but like I said, I have to leave. I'm leaving right now so... goodbye. Have a great summer Xavier. I... I'll miss you."_

* * *

You watch from the shadows as Xavier, Montana, Chet, and Ray close up the gym. Xavier slings an arm around Montana's shoulders as they all descend the stairs together, piling into Chet's car. You make yourself a promise. You will see Xavier again. You will deal with Scott, he will get what's coming to him. Then you'll find Xavier and tell him the truth about Scott's threats and why you had to lie.


	5. Chapter 5

_Six years after Xavier's death, you decide to visit Camp Redwood in order to say a final farewell._

_Just a brief warning - the rest of the chapters in this story will deal heavily with suicide and also touch on depression._

* * *

You feel safe in darkness. You know from experience that there are certain places where you can easily hide from the rest of the world. One such place is your current location, the back row of a rundown movie theatre. Nobody will bother you among the worn seats and sticky floors. You strive to remain inconspicuous, dressed in dark jeans and a black jacket.

You rarely remove your sunglasses in public, but right now they're off. Right now nobody can see you. You're aware that the deep purple, bruise-like rings under your eyes make you seem like you're in desperate need of a blood transfusion. People look at you with such sincere compassion when they really see you, it's just easier to stay covered up. You are a girl who looks worn down and bone-tired.

Truly, you feel like each and every one of your twenty-five years alive lasted a lifetime. It occurred to you back in January that you've done well to make it into this new decade. It's now July. You always struggle in July. In '85 you came close to actually killing yourself. It was exactly a year after Xavier and your other colleagues perished at Redwood. In a sick twist of fate, Scott also left this world in the summer of '84. The very same night he forced you to end your relationship with Xavier - the only man you've ever loved, Scott choked on his own vomit while in a drunken stupor.

You recollect sitting cross-legged on the bed in your tiny apartment. In front of you lay several packets of painkillers and a sharp pair of scissors. To your left was a full bottle of vodka. You remember, vividly, the overwhelming sense that you couldn't continue on any longer. You were, then, and still are, haunted by the image of Scott lying rigid, his once handsome face tarnished by the alcoholic poison that his body had failed to expel. The deadly mixture had filled his lungs and ended his life while he was too intoxicated to react.

Nothing but the most bitter misfortune dictated that you had to be the one to find Scott's body. All you had wanted to do was tell him that his threats were useless. That he couldn't keep you and Xavier apart and that you were going to the police. In the end, though, he did separate you from Xavier. By the time you were over the initial shock of finding Scott dead, Camp Redwood had witnessed another bloody massacre. The news of Brooke Thompson's carnage almost finished you.

You made it through though. You are alive and well, experiencing the beginning of the 90's. Physically well, that is. Your mental state leaves a lot to be desired. You still don't know quite what it was that stayed your hand that dark day when suicide seemed like the only option. Somewhere deep down, you knew you had to keep going. But for what, you just don't know.

You regard the giant movie screen, attempting to take in some of what is flashing in front of you. Tom Cruise appears, sporting a ridiculous haircut. You never bother actually selecting a movie, you just show up and buy a ticket for whatever is showing next.

You hate L.A. The strength of your contempt for this corrupt, seething mess of a city has stayed with you for six years. After your abandoned suicide attempt, you fled, vowing never to return. Yet here you are. In a decision strongly frowned upon by your therapist, you plan to draw a line under everything that took place here. Later today you will visit Scott's grave. Tomorrow you will travel to Redwood. It's time to say goodbye.

* * *

A decaying wooden sign looms above you, informing you that you are entering the campground. You had expected the winding road through the forest that brought you here to trigger feelings of sorrow, but instead, a sense of calm settled upon you as you passed among the swaying redwoods. You feel, for the first time in a number of years, as if you are actually in the right place. At Scott's grave, a numbness had seeped through your body. You had stared at the headstone of the man who ruined your life, feeling nothing. Even the hatred that cast a pall over you during your years away from L.A. had seemed to dissipate.

You pass below the wooden sign, almost eager to reach the camp itself.

You don't know exactly where Xavier died. Details of the murders may have been released to the public, but you have been rigorous about avoiding any hint of that information. It's enough to know that Xavier was killed here, along with the other people you knew. People you worked alongside every day. As you make your way towards the lake, stepping around piles of dry mulch, you allow memories to take form in your mind.

In a haze of recollection, you see Ray and Chet joking together, stretched out on the couches in the gym. Montana flashes you a smile from her seat beside them, rolling her eyes at whatever they have said. Xavier potters around reception, trying to find his misplaced keys for the hundredth time. It is this memory that hits you hardest. Such a small fragment, yet your eyes fill with tears. You allow them to run freely down your cheeks, hoping that somehow their release will dampen the ache that has begun to grip your insides.

You make your way to the very end of the rickety wooden pier that juts into the lake. The warmth in the air surrounds you as the sun beats down, drying away the evidence of your spilled sadness. You can't help but wonder if the weather was this nice on Xavier's last day. You sway a little as the wind brushes past you, as though the trees are exhaling. You think that if you listen hard enough, you'll hear them sigh. As you gaze into the water, you know you have to stop delaying the inevitable.

You swallow down the pain and prepare to say your final farewell.

"Hey, Xavier," you whisper into the wind. "It's me. I'm here. I know it's taken me a while. I'm sorry for that," you laugh a little as you fight to contain a new wave of tears. "Pretty pathetic that I can't stop crying, right? I mean, it's not like we'd even started dating properly yet."

You manage a wistful smile.

"I guess I just... I think we could have had something special, you and I," you pause, choosing your next words carefully. "I think I have to let you go now though Xavier. I have to be strong and say goodbye, even though I don't want to. I'm barely living... I have to try to move on."

A choked sob manages to force its way past your lips. You take a deep breath in an attempt to regain control, despite your tears.

All of a sudden you feel a gust of cold air from behind you. Your skin reacts, gooseflesh rising up all over the exposed areas. A violent shiver runs through you, hindering your efforts to breathe normally.

A voice reaches you on the wind. You hear your name. Your blood freezes. You know who is speaking. But it can't be...

You begin to turn, urging yourself to be logical. It's not your name you heard. A hiker has shown up and is trying to catch your attention, that's all.

A figure comes into your line of sight as you rotate on the spot.

Your brain registers fair skin.

Bare, muscular arms.

Blonde hair forced into a style that very few people would still wear.

One silver earring.

You hear a buzzing in your ears. It's as if your mind is trying to send you a warning. You can't breathe.

Right before you lose consciousness, you lock onto pale blue, hooded eyes. They are fixed on you in shock.

They are the last thing you see before darkness consumes you.

* * *

_The movie Y/n is watching is Days of Thunder which was released in 1990, the week before the anniversary of the Redwood deaths. Check out Tom Cruise's hair, it's truly awful._


	6. Chapter 6

_You are forced to accept the fact that Xavier is a ghost when he kills himself in front of you. You come face to face with your old colleague Montana, another trapped soul. She reveals that the Xavier you once knew has changed dramatically since 1984._

* * *

Your senses begin to awaken before you are entirely conscious. The wind has picked up - you hear it buffeting the sides of the building you're in. You are lying down, a rough blanket covering most of your body. There is a pronounced smell of decay in the air around you. It's not unpleasant though, in fact, it reminds you of your old attic.

You want to look around but fear stops you. You were outdoors when you fainted, so someone has moved you. If you don't keep your eyes tightly closed, who knows what you will see.

Xavier is alive.

You saw him.

It has to have been him who brought you inside. Who else would cover you up and try to make sure you were comfortable?

No.

He can't be alive.

He was murdered.

You didn't see him out by the lake. It's not possible. It must have been some sick freak dressed as him. The newspapers would have shown his picture. Anyone could find out what he looked like, what clothes he wore. These imposters have to be hanging around the camp waiting to scare unwitting passers-by. Then what do they do?

You can't take it any more. You need to find out where you are. You push down the panic growing inside you and take a deep breath, opening your eyes.

You are in a cabin, lying on a musty old wooden bed. The blanket that covers you is well on it's way to becoming ragged. Everything looks grey. Even the wall hangings that must have been vibrant once have become dull and muted. You look around. Your eyes come to rest on a figure in the far corner.

You fight to suppress the gasp that manifests in your chest. It's him, the man who looks so like Xavier. His face is mostly in shadow. You must have been unconscious for several hours, as parts of the cabin are completely dark. The Xavier lookalike sits in a dilapidated armchair that looks as though it's been in this cabin since the 50's. As you watch, the man brings a hand to his mouth and begins to pick at his nails.

You notice a knife resting on the floor, just to the side of the man's feet. Terror courses through you and your breathing becomes panicked. Fake Xavier goes rigid. You can't see his face properly, but you know he's looking at you. Before you get the chance to scramble out from under the shoddy blanket, the man heaves himself out of his armchair and moves across the room. You gag on the scream about to make it's way out of your body when you hear him speak.

"Y/n, Y/n, calm down! It's me, calm down."

You look into the eyes of the man who has crouched down, inches from the foot of your bed. Everything in your body tells you to run, to escape from this situation. Your physical responses haven't caught up to your brain yet. Your brain knows that this is Xavier.

"I know this is a shock." He says, raising one hand towards you as though you are a frightened animal he needs to keep calm.

You actually manage a laugh. It comes out slightly maniacal, you know. You begin to feel something akin to anger, but it's diluted by pure relief.

"You're alive! You're alive... I can't believe it. You're alive." Tears begin to form in your eyes. "But Xavier, why? Why have you allowed everyone to believe you were dead all these years!? Why are you still here?"

You don't mean to sound accusatory, but you don't understand. Why the hell would he stay here?

"Oh Y/n, no." Xavier looks so sad, it confuses you even further. "I'm here because I have to be. I can't leave. I'm dead."

At that, Xavier moves to grab the knife he left lying behind him. He kneels before you again and, grasping the knife's hilt, drags it down his left forearm, opening an artery. You watch in disbelief as blood gushes forth, covering him. You cry out in horror as he manages to take the knife in his left hand and wound his other arm in the same manner as before.

"It'll be okay Y/n" Xavier whispers, his lifeblood spilling onto the floor. "You'll see."

With that, Xavier topples sideways, his eyes fluttering closed. You throw off your blanket and crash to your knees beside him. You watch, stupefied, as he dies. He takes a final breath, smiling at you. You fail to move as Xavier's blood soaks into your clothing. You struggle to form sounds, simply staring at Xavier's lifeless body.

Your tears fall.

You hear a creak behind you and turn, numbly, not caring who has crept up on you.

It's him.

Of course it's him. This is a nightmare. You passed out at the pier, and you're still there, dreaming of a suicidal Xavier. It figures the Xavier of your nightmare would kill himself. Suicide is often on your mind. You chuckle slightly the irony. Confusion clouds Xavier's features. Clearly he was not expecting you to find the situation funny.

"Shit." He says. "I thought that would work."

He comes to kneel beside you, ignoring his own dead body. He grasps your arms and shakes you slightly, causing more tears to fall down your face.

"Y/n, this is real. I died here in 1984. I came here to work, remember? To get away from the city and all it's bullshit. I asked you to come too, but you had to leave L.A. You left me a message..."

Xavier trails off. You look at him, trying to process what he's telling you. You glance at the body. It's him lying there, dead. There can be no doubt. But here he is in front of you, watching you with his beautiful eyes. Your brain offers up a conclusion that completely ignores logic.

"You're a ghost."

It's not a question. There can be no other explanation.

"I guess I am." Xavier replies, smiling slightly.

* * *

You're still in shock. You must be, because you're finding it difficult to feel much of anything, emotionally. You're aware of your physical body, of course. You can feel Xavier's bare arm touching your own. He's sitting to the right of you, both of your pairs of feet dangle off the side of the rickety bed. Your backs are pressed against the cabin wall. You can see out of the window opposite you because the single, drawn curtain is so threadbare. It's extremely dark outside. You have been sitting talking with Xavier for several hours. Ever since he left you briefly to get rid of the dead body. You had expected it to disappear or fade away, but Xavier explained that it had to be buried. The thought of someone having to dispose of their own corpse horrified you, but Xavier didn't seem to mind. He told you that Chet, Ray and a few other would help. You wanted to see them, speak to them, but you stayed in the cabin. You didn't think your emotions could cope with nattending a creepy ghost funeral

Nobody bothered the two of you when Xavier returned. You spoke at length about everything that has happened to you both over the past five years. According to Xavier many people are trapped here, unable to move on since their deaths. You know that they are all aware of your presence, these lost souls. Xavier told you that when a living person comes into the camp, it's as if a shock-wave ripples through the atmosphere. It was pure coincidence that Xavier was the first ghost to cross your path. That, or fate.

Xavier's skin is cool against yours. His temperature hasn't changed the entire time you've been touching him. You suppose it must be something to do with his... deadness. You are reluctant to ask, despite him being very open about the whole thing. You'd rather he brought it up. The conversation has come to a natural lull. You rest your head on Xavier's shoulder, feeling incredibly drained.

"Is this okay?" You ask him, your voice barely above a whisper.

"Of course it's okay." Xavier replies in similar tones.

He reaches towards you and takes your hand, interlocking his fingers with yours. It feels right, despite the lack of warmth in his touch.

"I wish I'd come here sooner. Maybe if Scott hadn't stopped me coming with you, things could have turned out differently."

"No Y/n. Margaret would have just killed you as well."

"Maybe that wouldn't have been such a bad thing." You mumble.

Xavier doesn't reply. You let out a sigh.

"I'm glad you're here now." Xavier says, after several minutes have passed.

You raise your head from his shoulder to look at him. His gaze is intent. You inhale, breathing in a tiny hint of the scent you remember from years ago. It lingers around him, but only slightly. His cologne, hairspray, and clean sweat. It's like an echo of the past, bringing tears to your eyes. Before you can stop yourself you are crying. Xavier raises his free hand to hold your face, swiping away a tear with his thumb. He hasn't stopped staring into your eyes. Despite everything, you badly want to kiss him. Your lip trembles as he begins to lean down towards you.

When Xavier's lips touch yours, you marvel at the sensation. He feels cold, but not unpleasant. It's unusual. Then again, kissing in general is unusual for you. You haven't let a single person touch you romantically in the past five years. The kiss intensifies when you part your lips. Xavier does the same, allowing your tongues to meet and brush together. You feel your body respond, as it always does, to the kissing. Your heart beats faster and your nipples harden against your shirt. You feel a warmth begin to gather between your legs, giving away the fact that you are reaching peak arousal.

You place a hand on Xavier's chest, squeezing him gently. He begins to lean into you and you lie back, taking his weight on top of your body. He lets out a groan from the back of his throat. You know it's been a while for him as well. You are choosing not to care that he was sleeping with Montana until last year when her current boyfriend showed up and was subsequently killed by Margaret Booth. How can you be jealous, when he thought he'd never see you again? You slip a hand under his shirt in order to connect with his skin, stroking one of his well developed pectoral muscles. You want to touch his entire body, preferably while you are both naked. You sit up slightly in order to remove your shirt, which is just getting in the way. Xavier reaches down to help you. You are about to lift it over your head when you happen to glance down at the floor. Your eyes are drawn to the bloodstains on the shabby rug. You see the knife that Xavier used to open his veins. A wave of nausea swells up inside you, drowning your arousal.

"Xavier, I can't do this. I'm so sorry. It's just you're... you're dead, Xavier." His name becomes a sob as it leaves you.

You watch as Xavier backs away, nodding. He says nothing.

"I have to go. I need fresh air. I'm sorry."

Xavier nods again, allowing you to get up from the bed and leave the cabin. It's dark outside, but you can still see. You thank your lucky stars that there is a bright moon tonight. You wrap your arms around yourself as the wind hits you. You don't want to venture far, so you sit down on the cabin steps. Your tears flow freely. You laugh a little, realising you have hardly stopped crying since you got here. It's a sharp contrast to the overwhelming numbness you felt in L.A. In fact, you don't remember feeling this much in a very long time. Not since the summer you abandoned your suicide attempt and cut yourself off from your emotions.

You are lost in thought, your breathing starting to become steady, when you hear footsteps crunching towards you. You look up warily and are shocked to see Montana, followed by a dark haired man you assume to be Trevor. You don't know why it surprises you so much to see her. You knew she was here.

"Montana." You manage. "How are you?"

Montana smirks at the stupidity of your question, but chooses not to address how inappropriate it is.

"I'm great, actually. This is Trevor by the way." Montana angles her head backwards in the direction of the stranger, who gives you a somewhat bored wave but says nothing.

"How are you though? You look like shit."

You smile. Montana hasn't changed a bit. In fact, she reminds you of your old friend Amy.

"I'm uh... I've been better. The past five years have been hard for me. Not as hard as being dead, I'm sure."

Montana grins at you.

"It's not been all bad." Montana shrugs. "I mean, we are stuck here yeah, but we've always found ways to amuse ourselves."

Your gaze rests for the briefest moment on the somewhat pronounced bulge in Trevor's trousers.

"I'm sure." You clear your throat, looking away.

"Oh, I don't mean sex." Montana laughs, eyes wide. "Now, yeah. I've reformed you see. But before... well before we just killed people to pass the time. That was, until Trevor came back to me."

Dread fills you as you watch Montana flash Trevor a sickly sweet smile. "When you say "we"..." You trail off, not wishing to complete your sentence.

Montana's expression turns serious.

"When I say we, I mean all of us. Xavier included. I think it's only right that you know the whole truth. Anyway, good to see you Y/n."

Montana turns to go, Trevor following in her wake. You are left, once again, in utter shock at what you have learned. You feel rooted to the spot, unable to return to Xavier. You don't want to face him, face the truth. He has become a murderer. And yet, you are in love with him. You've been in love with him ever since you first saw him, and not even his death could kill that love. Can the knowledge of what he has been doing since his death finally put an end to your desire for him?

You feel utterly conflicted as you stare out into the distance, listening to the sound of nocturnal creatures hunting their prey.

You will have to face Xavier sooner or later, you can't just leave the camp.

You take a deep, steadying breath and stand. Turning back towards the door, you start when you realise that Xavier is leaning just inside the threshold, watching you. Clearly he is able to appear without making a single sound.

"You know?" He asks, tentatively.

You nod.

"Clearly we have more to talk about."

You nod again, and follow Xavier back into the cabin.


	7. Chapter 7

_You can't ignore your feelings for Xavier, despite the fact that he is a murderer and a ghost. A plan begins to take form in your mind when you are required to contemplate a future without him._

* * *

"Death is an art, and I have become a master. My entire existence is wrapped up in it. Can't you see?" Xavier sighs in exasperation.

You watch him standing across from you in the dilapidated old cabin. His hands rest on his hips impatiently. He always had a fondness for the theatrical. Clearly, he still can't resist a poetic turn of phrase, even at the most inappropriate of times. Your heart gives a squeeze at the knowledge that he hasn't changed entirely. The very next second a wave of nausea threatens to spill over within you.

The man you love is a killer. No matter how many insignificant character traits he has been able to maintain, this will always be true.

"Xavier, how can you be so callous?" Your voice quivers. "You've murdered people."

"Not many people." Xavier murmurs under his breath.

"Jesus Xavier, enough!" You are yelling now. "I can't handle this. I feel like my heart is breaking."

You take a final look at him, then make your way to the far end of the cabin. You need to put as much distance as possible between yourself and the ghost of your dead darling. Quiet sobs rack your body as you throw yourself into a chair facing the blank back wall. You should leave, but you can't. The knowledge that some portion of Xavier is here, despite what he has become, roots you to this damnable place.

It's the middle of the night and the temperature has dropped dramatically. You realise that you're shivering and cast around for a blanket, but there are none at this end of the cabin. You almost jump out of your skin when you feel a cool hand on your shoulder.

"You're cold." Xavier's voice is thoughtful. "Here..."

You hear him remove his jacket and place it around your shoulders. Clutching it to you, you stand and turn to face him. His expression is full of distress.

"I'm sorry. I'm sorry for how I spoke. I'm not used to being with someone... alive. I'm sorry for murdering innocent people." Xavier's face crumples as he struggles to meet your eyes. "You must hate me." His shoulders slump forward as he stares at the creaking floor. Despite everything, it hurts you to see the tragic look on his face.

"No Xavier." You place a finger under his chin and lift his head. His watery gaze latches onto yours. "I could never hate you. It's crazy because I know what you've done, what you've become, but... I love you."

A tiny speck of hope flickers within Xavier's gaze. You watch it fizzle out as he fights to subdue it.

"No. You can't love me. It's impossible. I don't deserve love." He takes a step back, raising his arms to stop you from following. "You have to leave. Wait until morning and then go, get away from here. You have a life to live."

An incredulous laugh escapes you.

"What life, Xavier?" you struggle to control the volume of your voice. "I spend most of my time wishing I was dead! Haven't you realised it by now? Even after everything I've told you? My life ended when yours did!"

Tears swell in your eyes, blurring your vision. You feel more than ever the dull ache that constantly resides within you. You shut your eyes and bring your hands up to wipe away the moisture on your cheeks. Blinking back more tears, you realise that Xavier is standing in front of you once more. He's so close you can hear his quick, needless breaths. You yearn to fall into his arms.

"Xavier..." you whimper.

He closes in on you, grabbing the back of your head and propelling it up to meet his in a crushing kiss. The breath is forced out of your body as he sweeps you off your feet. Carrying you as if you are newly-weds about to cross a threshold, Xavier makes his way to the bed, seating you on the ancient mattress. His eyes bore into yours and you realise that he is as desperate to possess you are you are him. He crawls on top of you, pressing you down with his weight. You wrap your limbs around his body as he begins to kiss you again. Already you can feel his hardness pressing against your thigh as he grinds into you.

Panting out of habit, Xavier sits back to remove his shirt. You grapple with the jacket he gave you, taking it off and throwing it to the floor while you struggle to control your breathing. You come face to face with Xavier's naked torso, his body taught like a coiled spring. You and can't resist tracing his stomach muscles with your tongue. You work your way upwards, taking one of his nipples into your mouth and sucking hard. Xavier groans, grasping your chin and pulling your head up as gently as his arousal will allow. You kiss him fiercely as you hook your fingers into the waistband of his pants, yanking them down.

As soon as Xavier's cock is free you pounce, desperate to taste it. You briefly register the fact that, like the scent of his hairspray and cologne, there is barely any trace of a smell or a flavour, not that it matters to you. Xavier kneels before you as you bend over, cross-legged, working him with your hands and your mouth.

"Oh fuck." Xavier moans. "That feels unbelievable."

You lick his length and gently scrape your teeth across the tip. You follow your instincts, having had very little experience with this particular feat. Xavier's hands are in your hair, massaging your scalp.

"Y/n, stop. You have to stop."

You let Xavier's cock fall free from your mouth as you look up at him. Your lips feel swollen.

"I thought you liked it?" You are subdued, suddenly self-conscious.

"I did! Trust me, I did, but I want to fuck you Y/n, so badly."

The raw longing in Xavier's voice sends a thrill through your body. You nod in agreement and he moves back, enabling you to swiftly remove the rest of your clothing. His gaze rakes your naked body in the same way you observe him, both of you hungry but tentative.

"I haven't done this since the last time, with you." You admit.

If Xavier is surprised, he doesn't show it.

"We can go slow." He says gently, the heat of a minute ago simmering inside him. He reaches for your hand and you pull him back towards you as you lie down. His kisses on your lips are soft as he settles between your thighs. You inhale sharply as you feel him push a finger into you, the sensation both welcome and remarkably unfamiliar.

"Are you okay?" Xavier whispers, his eyes searching your expression.

"I'm fine, don't stop."

Xavier removes his finger, the very next second you feel him rest the head of his cock against your opening. He kisses you again and pushes himself inside you. A low moan escapes your lips as your body responds to the memory of being filled. Xavier proceeds with delicate movements which give way to powerful ones when your knees dig into his sides. You are ready for more. Xavier's tongue dances against your own as you succumb to the passion of the moment, reaching down between your body and his to brush a finger over your clit.

You continue to rub yourself, edging closer to your peak as Xavier thrusts into you. A cacophony of sounds escape you both as you become reacquainted with each other's bodies. You feel your inner walls contract as heat spreads through you, crying out when your orgasm hits. You grip Xavier's shoulders and kiss him frantically as he follows you to his own end, spilling inside you with a final, grinding push. The tears ,which seem to hover within you just under the surface since you arrived at the camp, appear in your eyes again as the gravity of what has happened washes over you.

"Hey, hey, don't cry Y/n, don't cry." Xavier croons, wiping them away. He remains within you, brushing your hair from your face in concern.

"Did I hurt you?" he asks, troubled.

"No, I'm not hurt." You rush to reassure him. "I just feel overwhelmed. This is not normal, Xavier."

"You can say that again." Xavier chuckles dryly, without humour. He kisses your forehead and rolls off of you, draping a protective arm across your body. "Do you regret what we've done?"

"No." You respond instantly. You don't need to consider his question. You don't regret what has happened, however you do understand deep in your heart that your fate is now sealed. You can never leave him - if that was ever really an option.

"Do you?" You watch Xavier's face, trying to read his expression.

"No Y/n. I don't." He sighs, disturbing the stray strand of hair that fell out of place during your lovemaking. "But what the fuck are we going to do now? It's not like you can live here with me."

You watch Xavier for several minutes as he stares off into space, absent-mindedly stroking the bare skin of your arm. Your heart feels more full, more alive than you can ever remember it being. You shiver slightly as your body temperature begins to decrease. Xavier notices and grabs the flimsy blanket, draping it over your body and tucking it in around you. You know that you have made your decision. You suspect deep down you decided the minute Xavier told you what was happening to the people who perished here at Redwood. You just need to work up the courage to tell him your plan. You swallow down your fear and breathe deeply.

"I could live here with you Xavier. We could be together forever... If I died."


	8. Chapter 8

_You discuss your future at the camp with Montana and try to bring Xavier around to your way of thinking._

* * *

At the break of dawn you awaken from a fitful sleep. You shiver slightly as you search the room for Xavier, recalling his angry departure from the cabin hours earlier when you revealed your plan to him. He swore, as he left, to stay near to the cabin for your safety. Your eyes filled with tears as the old wooden door slammed shut. Even though he was angry, furious even, Xavier was unable to abandon you. You realise he has not returned, but you don't doubt that he kept his word to remain close by. None of the troubled souls who haunt the camp have come near while you slept, as far as you can tell. He must have kept any potential intruders away. Finally you fell asleep, to exhausted to remain awake despite everything that had happened.

Your stomach twists with hunger, letting out a loud growl. You don't remember the last time you had food, and of course, Xavier never offered you anything. You feel a renewed sense of sympathy for him at the realisation that he will never eat again. Neither will you, when you go through with your decision to end your own life. There are certain things you know you will miss; food and drink especially, but the fleeting joy these things bring you do nothing to ease your constant need for healing. You know that your true salvation lies in death. You know you must convince Xavier of this, because you will need him with you when the time comes.

You get up, throwing the useless blanket to the side. You are tired, but you can't lie still any longer. You find your clothes and get dressed after stretching away the ache from your back, caused by a mattress that had already seen better days when the camp first opened. You leave the cabin, looking out for Xavier as you descend the stairs. He's nowhere to be seen, so you make your way to the pier as you attempt to ignore your hunger. You sit, legs dangling off the end of the length of wood, watching the sun make it's way upwards. It spreads light across the whole valley, highlighting the beauty and seclusion of the area. Not a bad place to spend eternity, you think. You don't realise that Montana has approached you until she sits down at your side.

"You've slept with him, haven't you?"

You turn to see her facing you with a quizzical expression. You're not entirely surprised that she has guessed the truth.

"Why do you care?"

"I don't, really... sure, he's a great fuck, but I love Trevor."

"So what does it matter?"

"You'll find it harder to let go now. You shouldn't have gone near him."

You hesitate before responding. If you reveal your plan to Montana, she may react in a similar way to Xavier. You're not sure if you handle her wrath right now. That being said, she's going to find out sooner or later. You decide to be brave.

"I'm not letting go. I'm staying."

Montana's eyes widen briefly before settling back to their normal expression of semi-boredom. Her mouth quirks up at one corner slightly, making you wonder what she might be thinking.

"How will you do it?" She asks, with more interest than you expected.

"Pills. An overdose. I know what to do." You let out in a rush.

"And Xavier's cool with this?"

You look away in an attempt to avoid admitting the truth. When you glance back, one side of Montana's mouth is still turned up in a humourless smile.

"Didn't think so. Look, I don't really care what you do, but just stop and think for a minute about all the things you'd be giving up. I've chilled out a lot, but a few years back I'd have been fucking furious at the thought of someone like you throwing their life away."

"Someone like me?"

"You're young and free. We're completely trapped here Y/n. I get it, Xavier's totally hot, but how well do you even know him?"

"It's not just about Xavier. My life is such a mess. I struggle through the days exhausted because I'm too depressed to sleep at night. I'm so fucking lonely, I can't even begin to describe it." You struggle to keep the quiver out of your voice. "I look like I'm coping on the surface, but my mind is trapped in a constant battle with my inner demons who tell me I'm worthless, that I have no future... that it's my fault you all died."

"What!?" Montana, for once, seems shocked.

"Xavier asked me to come here with you guys the summer you all... died, but I couldn't. If I'd been here maybe I could have changed something, despite what Xavier thinks." You shrug, at a loss to explain yourself in a way that you feel will make sense. You watch Montana as she considers what you've said.

"No." She sighs. "No I don't think you being here would have made a difference at all, and I don't mean you wouldn't have tried to help. Something... happens here. People seem to die no matter how strong or brave they are. I don't think you'd have stood a chance. As for the other stuff, I get why you'd want to escape from it but that's what antidepressants are for, right?"

You give an empty chuckle.

"They don't work for me, I've tried. I turn into a zombie. Being here with Xavier is the most alive I've felt in five years."

"Kinda ironic that you want to die then." Montana's tone is not unkind.

"I don't feel like I have a choice. I'm not prepared to go off and try to forge some kind of non-miserable life for myself for the millionth time, all for it to inevitably go wrong. By that point I'd be fucking old and Xavier wouldn't want me if I tried to come back here."

"Hey, give me some credit."

You turn, startled to find Xavier standing behind you. You keep forgetting that you're the only person here who can't conceal the noise made when moving around.

"That's my cue to leave." Montana mumbles. "Look Y/n, whatever you decide... good luck."

She gives you a small smile and stands up, nodding slightly to Xavier as she passes him.

"You're not going to change your mind are you?" Xavier asks sadly.

"No Xavier. I have to trust my instincts."

He watches you for a minute, seemingly weighing up options. He finally rolls his eyes and comes to sit beside you, grabbing your hand straight away as if he's been desperate to touch you again.

"Okay." he whispers, dropping his head to place a kiss on your knuckles. "I'll do whatever I can to help."

* * *

_*** I am not trying to glamourise suicide here. This story is intended to fit into the AHS narrative which is essentially a fantasy where a lot of messed up stuff goes on (as we all know!). What I've written only goes some way towards reflecting real life._


	9. Chapter 9

_Ray hears of your decision to stay at Redwood and feels compelled to change your mind on spiritual grounds._

* * *

You watch as specs of dust dance and swirl around each other within the slice of afternoon sunlight that comes through the cabin window. You feel at peace now that Xavier has come to accept your decision. He lies beside you, eyes closed but not asleep. He can't sleep, however he has been able to learn how to shut everything out, to gain an emptiness of mind that imitates meditation. It's the closest thing you will have to actual unconsciousness when you are like him once you have learned the technique as well. There will be other things to get used to, Xavier says, such as the loss of time. Minutes, hours, and days will continue to pass outwith the camp, but you will cease to be aware of that. The only change you will be aware of, day to day, is the weather. Temperature won't affect you. Should you wish to, you will be able to run around naked on a wet winter day. You will no longer feel hunger, or crave sustenance of any kind.

You feel a little sad at the thought of the simple, human things you will lose. You try to remind yourself that you will have all the time in the world to grieve those losses, and Xavier will help you. As for personal relationships – you have none to grieve. You have a mother, but no father to speak of. A series of substitute dads ranging from lacklustre to downright maniacal appear within your memory. You will be glad to never think of any of them ever again. Your mother won't miss you. She spent the majority of the last five years attempting to have you committed. You plan to write her a letter and post it when you leave the camp to get the supplies you will need to end your life. You will tell her you've gone travelling. She'll never find out what happened to you.

Xavier stirs at your side. You turn to look at him, taking in his dishevelled appearance. You spent the last few hours exploring each other's bodies, revelling in mutual joy and passion. You are starting to realise how lucky you are, not only to have met someone you are so emotionally and physically compatible with, but to have been given the chance to remain with him even in death. Darkness has tainted both of your lives, casting an ever-present shadow over your existences, but through this you have a deep understanding of each other's emotional trauma. You lean in to kiss his forehead and are rewarded with a soft, sweet smile. He keeps his eyes closed, but breathes a deep sigh of satisfaction. Breathing is the one thing Xavier hasn't been able to let go of yet. You feel as though you will try to hold on to it as well - a small reminder that you were once a living thing.

You are about to close your eyes when a knock comes at the front door, shattering the peace of the cabin. You feel Xavier stiffen.

"Who's there?" he calls out.

"It's Ray. I need to talk to Y/n."

You look at Xavier, feeling suddenly confused. "Why the hell would Ray want to talk to me? I don't think he ever said a single word to me at work."

"I think I might know. Ray hates it here, he always has. The idiot probably wants to try to convince you to leave."

"Montana couldn't." You shrug, highly doubting Ray's ability to change your mind.

"Sure, but she's super laid back these days. Ray probably thinks he can nag you all the way to the fucking entrance sign. Honestly, Y/n, he will try."

With that, Xavier hauls himself out of bed. He gets dressed and throws your clothes towards you. You loathe the thought of having to see another person in your current state. Your hair is all over the place and you seriously need a shower. You kick yourself for leaving your car parked halfway up the road to the camp, thinking about the wet wipes you keep in the glovebox. For some reason, rather than drive all the way here, you had the urge to ditch the car just off the dirt track and walk the remaining twenty minutes. It had seemed like a good idea at the time - a chance to breathe some fresh air.

You hear Ray knock again, harder this time.

"We heard you, just wait." Xavier snaps in the direction of the door, his good mood completely gone. You wonder if he's worried that Ray will actually have some kind of affect on you.

"There's nothing he could say that would convince me to change my mind." You try your best to sound reassuring. "I know everything now, right? There are no more secrets?"

Xavier frowns as you pull your shirt over your head.

Fuck, why is he frowning?

"There's one more thing. It's not a big deal, that's why I didn't tell you earlier."

You breathe evenly, trying to remain calm. "What is it?"

"Remember I told you that Ramirez is here?"

You nod.

"Well, he has some kind of satanic deal that allows him to leave. So... we all take it in turns to make sure he stays. We kill him again and again, every time he revives. That's the only thing I haven't told you."

You sit down on the bed just as Ray bursts through the door. Xavier turns around swiftly, but you are able to catch the furious look on his face first.

"What the fuck, man!? You can't just barge in here!" He yells.

Ray takes a step back, throwing up his arms defensively. "You were taking forever!"

"I was getting dressed." Your voice comes out expressionless. Your disappointment that Xavier has, once again, kept something important from you leaves you feeling numb.

"I'm sorry. Really sorry." Ray looks past Xavier to find your eyes.

"It's fine. You wanted to speak to me?"

Ray casts a sheepish glance in Xavier's direction. "Uh, yeah. Alone, if possible?"

Xavier looks at you. You nod, but make sure to smile at him. Despite the fact that he has made another mistake, you don't want him to worry.

"Fine." He sighs, his gaze boring into yours. "I won't be far away."

With that he leaves, closing the door behind him. You remain seated, looking towards Ray expectantly.

" I uh, I just felt I had to come. Montana told me about your plan. I think it's a really bad idea." Ray shifts from foot to foot, unable, now, to meet your eyes.

"Why?" You ask.

Ray hesitates, then comes to sit beside you. You cringe a little internally, you are not at all comfortable having another man so close to you in the space that you have come to associate with Xavier and sex. Especially a man you really don't know. You hope that whatever Ray has to say, it will be quick.

"Look, Y/n, this might sound stupid but I need to say it. If you kill yourself and sentence your soul to an eternity here, you'll never be able to... move on."

You try to remain patient. "I know that Ray."

"But you'll never get to Heaven." Ray says, sounding slightly desperate.

You are surprised. You didn't realise that Ray was the religious type. You glance at him to see him twisting the edge of the blanket around his fingers. You feel a little sorry for him. He really is trying to help you.

"Ray, I don't want this to sound harsh because I actually appreciate what you're trying to do but, I'm not religious. I don't believe in an afterlife, or Heaven and Hell. I'm sorry. I know that you probably see suicide as a sin, but I just don't."

Ray remains silent for several seconds. You brace yourself for an outpouring of overzealous rhetoric, but it doesn't come. Instead Ray stands, turning to face you.

"I can't make you leave, and there's nothing I can really do to stop you." He says. "I've done my part. Just know this, I won't help to bury you."

With that Ray leaves, stony faced. Xavier re-enters the cabin minutes later to find you crying silently. You feel him sink into the mattress and wrap you in his arms, rocking you gently and making shushing sounds.

"I'm gonna kill him." Xavier growls.

You look into his blue eyes, sniffling. "No, you're not. He just wants to save my soul."

"I know. I was listening at the door. Self-righteous ass. Him, not you."

You let out a choked laugh, eyes still watery.

"I'd really rather you just left him alone. This must be hard for him." You sigh. You had no idea that your decision to end your life would cause an issue for someone you barely even know. "He will just have to learn to live with me."

"Okay." Xavier wipes a final tear from your cheek with his thumb. "I suppose we have some plans to make?"

"We do." You smile at him. "But first you need to explain this Ramirez situation to me properly. Am I going to have to kill him as well?"

Xavier shakes his head firmly. "No, absolutely not. You never have to do a single thing you don't want."

* * *

_So I imagine that Ray wasn't overly fussed with his religion in life which is why it's not a thing in the show, however since his death he's become quite preoccupied with it. Hope this fits for everyone. Also I have nothing against Ray but he just seemed to me from what we learned in the show like the type who would be most unhappy with Y/n's plan._


	10. Chapter 10

_You grudgingly leave camp for a short time so you can buy the supplies that will help you facilitate your change to permanent Redwood resident._

* * *

"Did I ever tell you how much I like your earring?"

"No." Xavier's voice is barely louder than a whisper. "Did I ever tell you how much I like your face?"

You blush, turning your head to nuzzle into the hand that Xavier has raised. His fingers grasp the back of your neck, his thumb traces the line of your smile.

"If you don't come back—"

"I'm coming back Xavier." You interrupt, trying to temper the exasperation you feel, knowing that Xavier can't help but doubt you.

The wooden sign that denotes the entrance to the camp creaks above your head. The morning sun already splits the ground and a bead of sweat trickles down your spine. You try desperately to summon the strength to turn and walk away from him. Knowing that you will see him again soon doesn't help. He has been solely responsible for bringing you back to life, and to leave him behind, even just for a few hours, feels torturous. The trees whisper around you, singing songs you don't understand. Xavier drops his hand.

"Go."

You have no response. You cannot bring yourself to say goodbye. You look into Xavier's eyes. Tears fill them, matching your own. You smile and turn, walking quickly.

"Hurry back!" He calls.

You look back over your shoulder, making sure to appear happy. You give him once last smile, nod, and then run, tears flowing freely at last.

* * *

It was far easier than you thought it would be to sell your car. It's a piece of crap, but the first dealership you happened upon deigned to take it for a hundred bucks. You could have shopped around, but you are desperate to get back to the camp. $100 is enough to get you what you need, plus a little extra. A few new items of clothing for Xavier and Montana and second hand copies of some of your favourite books. Your original plan was to procure a cheap TV and VCR, you know for a fact that Xavier would get a kick out of the Ghostbusters sequel, but you just don't have the time or the funds for that. You can always describe the movie to him.

After your successful trip to the thrift store, you head to the first pharmacy. You have no idea if there are limits to the amount of non-prescription drugs a person can buy. It's one of the things you neglected to find out during your previous forays into suicide planning. You always just assumed you would be at home and have access to your mom's drug cabinet. You have decided to visit several pharmacies, just to be safe. You have to run back into the last one, having almost forgotten the antihistamines that will ensure your stomach doesn't try to rid itself of the other pills you intend to take. Your final purchase is alcohol. Your hand quivers slightly as you reach to pick up a bottle of vodka. Everything feels very real now. You've had to use the last of the money you brought to L.A with you, as the cash from the sale of your car ran out quicker than you thought it would. Hitch-hiking back to Redwood won't be fun, but what else can you do?

Sitting at the side of the road back out to the woods, backpack stuffed with supplies, your mind drifts to last night when Xavier took you, upon your request, to see Ramirez. You watched from the far corner of the dank, gloomy cabin that held his trapped soul. He materialised, first as wisps of black smoke and then suddenly as a whole person. He wasn't given a chance to talk before Montana had stabbed him in the heart with a kitchen knife.

"You're lucky I've lost my taste for killing." She'd smirked at you. "It used to get much messier than that, right baby?"

Trevor had smiled at her in response, causing you to shiver slightly. You'd left then, heading back to the cabin you'd been sharing with Xavier. He'd followed you at a slight distance, only speaking when you were both back inside, sitting cross-legged on the bed.

"Are you okay?" He asked, concerned.

You nodded. "I don't like the thought of you killing. I know he's evil. I'm not saying he doesn't deserve it. It's more the thought of you relishing in taking a life."

Xavier was silent for a minute, thinking.

"It was a distraction, I guess. I thought I had nothing else to live for. I won't deny that I enjoyed it. I was so bitter Y/n. I tried so hard, at the end, to be good. I saved fucking Margaret all for her to kill me anyway."

"I know." You responded sadly, reaching for Xavier's hand. "It's over now."

Xavier took a deep breath, squeezing your hand.

"It is. I mean, I still have to take my turn killing him, but it's just a chore to me now."

"Maybe I will get to a point where I will be able to help you, or at least keep you company." You offered, timidly.

Xavier raised your hand to his lips and kissed it. "No pressure."

You are brought out of your daydream when a car pulls up alongside you. A middle-aged woman rolls down her window and asks you where you are headed.

Time to go home.

* * *

You see Xavier before he notices you. He's sitting against a tree, drawing in the dirt with his favourite knife. He'd be difficult to miss with his neon, mesh vest. The sight of him sends a thrill through you. You don't think you'll ever stop finding him attractive. He looks up, hearing you approach, and a wide grin spreads across his face.

"Told you I'd be back." You say as you approach him.

You are not given the chance to say anything else, as Xavier promptly wraps you in his arms, covering your face with kisses. He presses his lips hungrily against your own, and before you know it you are swept off of your feet.

"You're not seriously planning to carry me back to the camp are you!?" Your voice is full of incredulous laughter.

"Shut up." Xavier growls, before kissing you again.

You allow yourself to be carried all the way to your cabin, where your happy reunion with Xavier lasts several glorious hours.

* * *

_I left Y/n's favourite books unnamed and open to interpretation._

_Please note, the next chapter will include the actual suicide, I don't plan on being overly descriptive but please avoid if you think it will bother you._


	11. Chapter 11

_You struggle in the aftermath of your death. Xavier reminds you that you will feel better in time._

* * *

Tears fill your eyes, as they so often do of late. You welcome them like old friends, relieved that you have come through death but retained the ability to cry. It's something you had feared you might lose. Despite the moisture on your cheeks, you feel numb. It's as though your emotions are trapped deep within you, your heart enclosed in ice. It's not a wholly unfamiliar feeling, you dealt with depression for several years and became used to the sense of being disconnected from your own soul. You realise however that while this new numbness makes you sad, your tears have not appeared in mourning for your loss of feeling, but because of the memory of your suicide.

You now know that Xavier was wrong when he said that death is artful. It is not. There was pain. You knew there would be, but you didn't realise that it would consume you as if a fire surged within your veins. The agony caused you to tear at your hair and curse your own stupidity. Your stomach cramped and complained as you lay doubled over on your cabin bed, one second grasping for Xavier's hand, the next, pushing him away with shocking viciousness.

Your memory is hazy after a point. You weaved in and out of consciousness, the poison inside you doing its work, all of this transpiring mere hours after your happy return to the camp. Xavier never left you as you died. He murmured soothing words about spending an eternity together out by the lake, basking in the sunshine. He rubbed your back and wiped away your stinging tears when you lay still enough for him to draw near. Your last memory is of pleasant birdsong outside the cabin. How ironic that the birds were so cheerful, so blissfully unaware of your demise. For a long time, according to Xavier, you were very still, adrift on a sea of emptiness with your eyes tightly shut, completely oblivious to the world around you.

You glance at Xavier now, fully clothed limbs tangled with yours in the orange glow of sunrise. He appears to be asleep, but he's simply deep in a meditative trance. You don't blame him. The events of last night were more than enough to exhaust him, and he needs no sleep. You feel drained too but have yet to grasp the ability to switch off and mimic slumber.

You'd materialised outside of your cabin mere moments after your body finally gave up its fight to survive. To your relief, there was no trace of the black smoke that had signalled Ramirez' resurrection when you witnessed it. You made a mental note at that moment to apologise to Ray for doubting the existence of God. The dark wisps you'd seen in Ramirez' cabin were a sure indication that Satan was at work there. You felt a palpable aura of evil in that place. Surely if Satan does exist, so then must God. You are certain that Satan is only responsible for Ramirez' lasting existence. Something else holds sway over the other souls in the camp, but you're not sure you will ever find out quite what it is.

You flung the old cabin door open, causing it to creak on its decrepit hinges, and rushed inside, not caring that you would be faced with your own lifeless form, only thinking of Xavier and whether or not he was alright. He had held on to your body, measuring your last breaths, bearing witness to your final moments, and was still cradling you, or at least the physical remains of you. He let the body down gently when he heard you enter, placing the most tender kiss on its forehead, then he rose to hug you tightly in his arms.

"That was awful." He breathed.

"For me, too." Your voice was hoarse, almost as if you'd never used it before. "Thank you for being with me, Xavier."

"Of course. There's nowhere else I would be. Thank God you're back."

"Maybe we should thank God." You attempted a jovial tone. "I'd ask Ray how but I doubt he'll speak to me."

Xavier sniffed loudly and chuckled. "No he probably won't, not for a few years at least. Don't worry about him, he usually keeps away from the rest of us anyway."

You look at Xavier again. His chest rises and falls as if his lungs actually need the oxygen they draw in. You're breathing too, although there's no point. It's something you can't switch off, the most natural human instinct. You'd gulped in huge amounts of air when Xavier finally took your body away. Chet and Trevor showed up to help him carry you away as the sun was setting, having already prepared a grave. The shock of knowing that your remains were about to be buried overwhelmed you.

Montana had rushed into the cabin, an uncharacteristically sympathetic look on her face. She stayed with you until Xavier returned. You spoke no words to each other, but her physical presence kept you from spiralling into a panic. You don't know exactly where your body lies in the ground. You asked Xavier to keep that knowledge from you. Maybe one day you will visit the grave, but for now, you'd rather remain unaware of the location. A wave of nausea rises inside you at the thought of rotting flesh and maggots crawling inside crevices. You shift, suddenly uncomfortable, and Xavier opens his eyes.

"Are you okay?" His brow creases in concern.

You nod slightly and bring yourself closer to him, settling in the hollow made by his outstretched arm. He wraps himself around you protectively.

"You're not okay, I can tell. You shouldn't expect to be. I wasn't for the longest time when I died. One day you'll wake up and you won't feel so heavy. You'll laugh and really mean it. We'll run around and cause havoc, we can push Ray in the lake and hide Montana's favourite outfits."

A tiny smile tugs at the corner of your mouth. "That sounds fun."

"And we'll have better sex than you can even imagine. Everyone will get sick of hearing us."

You laugh out loud. "Do you promise?"

"What, that we'll have amazing sex? Uh, remember who you're talking to."

You shove Xavier's shoulder lightly, causing him to gently headbutt the side of your face in response. "No not that, that goes without saying of course." You roll your eyes, making sure he sees. "No. Do you promise that one day I'll feel okay? That this weird combination of sad and numb will go away?"

Xavier looks at you, his blue eyes shining with love and a hint of mischief. "I swear it, and I'll be with you every step of the way."


	12. Chapter 12

_You and Xavier are finally happy, living together forever as ghosts._

* * *

"Open your eyes." Xavier whispers.

You hear his voice, but it reaches you as if from a distance. You work your way through a thick fog of consciousness, attempting to swim to the surface of your meditative trance. Finally, you break free.

"I did it!" you exclaim, reaching up to grab Xavier's outstretched hands. He sits beside you on the bed, grinning from ear to ear.

"You did. I told you it would work this time." he says. His voice is full of amusement.

"I still don't understand how you knew." you reply, shaking your head in disbelief as you sit up. Xavier attempts a shrug, but you're holding him too tightly. "How long was I under?" you ask.

"No idea." Xavier laughs, then leans in to kiss the tip of your nose. "It felt like a while though. You were frowning, that's why I woke you up. I'm not sure how I knew it would work this time. I just had a feeling."

"You worry too much, I was fine." You are taken by the urge to yawn, and it surprises you. You can't remember the last time you experienced such a feeling.

"I feel tired! It's so bizarre!" you say, wonder colouring your tone.

"Right?" Xavier laughs again. "I vaguely remember feeling so worn out when I was trying to master this... whatever it is, meditation? It's such a contradiction. You're learning it so you can conserve energy, but the process is so draining at first. Do you feel up to doing it again? A proper rest would probably do you good right now."

You consider Xavier's suggestion. He's right, although you feel a little reluctant to give yourself over to the meditation again. "Will we stay under indefinitely this time? I don't want to do it all again to still feel tired when I wake up."

"Sure, let's just play it by ear and wake up whenever. I'll 'sleep' too." Xavier smiles. "I'm so proud of you." You lean over Xavier's crossed legs to place a chaste kiss on his waiting lips, pulling away before either of you gets the chance to become aroused. Usually all you want to do is rip his clothes off and bask in the ecstasy of physical sensation with him, but right now you want to rest.

"Can we go hiking when we wake up?" you ask, gazing up at Xavier from beneath your lashes. A slow smile spreads across his face. Not long after your death, you decided to head out into the woods in an attempt to find the far border of the camp. As it turns out, it's possible to climb quite a distance up the nearest tree-covered mountain. You and Xavier quickly began to utilise your hikes as way to spend intimate time together away from the camp, which can often feel overcrowded. As you one of the few actual couples amongst the camp residents, you are rarely disturbed out in the woods.

Xavier squeezes your hand. "Sure we can. I have to be back for Ramirez at sunrise though."

"Okay." you smile sleepily. You fall back onto the pillow, Xavier lying down beside you. You snuggle under his arm and pull the blanket up around your chin. It serves no purpose than to provide you with a sense of comfort as you follow your consciousness down into oblivion.

* * *

"How long do you think I've been here?" you murmur, gazing into the overwhelming brilliance of a full spring moon. Nestled between shining stars, it's beauty leaves you feeling insignificant. You feel you will never tire of this; the quiet forest and the blissful night sky. Xavier sits alongside you on a blanket. He is naked, as are you, both of you having torn each other's clothes off the second you reached your favourite spot amongst the trees.

"I have no idea." Xavier replies. You glance at him to find that he is also staring at the moon. You see it reflected in his eyes. Only his beauty can match it.

"I've seen four winters, I'm sure. Or maybe it's five..." you say, your voice quiet.

Xavier slowly grasps your hand, locking his fingers with yours. "However long it's been, I'm glad you're here with me." He pulls your hand up to kiss it, watching you as he does.

"I'm glad too." You sigh. You rise to your knees and turn, shuffling towards Xavier's outstretched legs. Slowly you move to straddle him, and he lets go of your hand to grasp your waist. He rubs his thumb slowly up and down your naked skin.

"You're insatiable." Xavier chuckles.

"You like it." you respond, flashing him a devilish grin.

"I do." he sighs lustfully, touching himself a little in order to rise to the occasion. You have no need to prepare yourself, wet as you are from the sex which ended only a short time ago. "It's a good job I'm young, or there's no way I'd be ready to go again so soon." Xavier quips.

You laugh, grasping his now hard cock and bringing it to align with your entrance. You let out a soft moan as you lower yourself down, Xavier matching the sound with his own emittance. Moving slowly at first, you rock back and forth as Xavier grips your hips. He lets you move whilst staying still so as to avoid an untimely explosion. He rarely lasts very long the second time around. You reach down to touch the pad of your right forefinger to your clit. It will take very little to push you over the edge, so you circle the nub of flesh lightly, relishing in the tiny sparks of sensation that flow out from your epicentre.

Xavier groans and begins to sit up, and you sling both of your arms around his neck, welcoming him with a kiss. Your pace quickens as you adjust to the new angle, and you realise that you are about to reach your peak already. Hugging Xavier tightly to you, you jerk forward a final time, crying out at the intensity of your orgasm. Xavier lies you down gently and thrusts into you, kissing your neck and collarbone as you drift along in pleasure. It doesn't take him long to spend, exclaiming loudly as he does.

When Xavier rolls off of you, you turn onto your side in order to nuzzle into him. You both breathe deeply out of habit.

"I love you." you sigh.

Xavier looks at you intently, the blue of his eyes dulled by the shadow of a huge redwood tree. He tucks a stand of hair behind your ear.

"I will always love you, Y/n." he whispers.


End file.
